144th Night
by Silver Hornet
Summary: My screwed up version of the end of 12th Night.


This is what I was thinking about in class while we were reading the play. Sorry about it being in modern English; I can't do Shakespeare talk.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Orsino was on his way to Olivia's house. He was laughing evilly so it seemed like he would have a plan to get Olivia to marry him, but he had no idea what he could do. He just kept laughing. The laughter was starting to annoy some of the men that were with him.  
  
"It's getting a bit annoying, don't you think?" One of the men asked Viola, who was disguised as Cesario.  
  
"That wonderful laugh of his could never become annoying," she said and she sighed.  
  
The man gave her a strange look, but said nothing else. It was not too much longer before they arrived at Olivia's place. Orsino, Viola, and the men dismounted their horses as Olivia and others came to meet them.  
  
"My sweet Olivia," Orsino began.  
  
"Bastard," she muttered.  
  
"My love for you will always be. Please, accept my love, and agree to be my wife."  
  
"Shut up bastard." She looked at Cesario and ran over to him. "Oh Cesario! Why haven't you told Mr. Bastard about us? He's going to find out eventually."  
  
"What is she talking about Cesario?"  
  
"I have no clue," said Viola.  
  
"What's wrong with you? Stop acting like your loyal to that bastard." Olivia looked at Orsino. "We're going to get married, so get the hell of my property."  
  
"What?" Viola was shocked. "I'd never marry you!"  
  
"But you agreed!" said Olivia. She looked like she was about to cry.  
  
At this point, Sebastian came over. He was clearly drunk, and still drinking. He had a bottle in his hand. "I'm here, I'm here. Sebastian is here! Where the movie tickets at?"  
  
Everyone stared at him. They did not notice that he looked exactly like Cesario. Sebastian did not notice Viola. "What you all looking at? Toby really is a great guy. He even shares his liquor."  
  
At this point, everyone noticed that there were two people who looked exactly alike. They were all staring at Sebastian and Viola.  
  
"Who the fuck are you? STOP LOOKING LIKE ME!" Sebastian threw his bottle at Viola, but she ducked and it shattered on Sir Toby's head. Toby shook his fist at Sebastian, but kept going.  
  
"Sebastian? Are you really alive?"  
  
"Yeah, I think so."  
  
"It's me, Viola." She hugged him and Sebastian figured out what was happening.  
  
"Oh, I get it. You're my sister who I thought drowned in the sea, and you disguised yourself as a man to get close to Orsino, you fell in love with him, and Olivia fell in love with you, and she thought I was you and wanted to marry me. Yep, it all makes perfect sense."  
  
Everyone stared at Sebastian.  
  
"Sucks for you, bitch," Orsino muttered to Olivia. "You fell in love with a woman! You'd probably be better off marrying me."  
  
"Go to hell," said Olivia. "I'd rather marry a woman than you. In fact, I'd rather marry that horse." She walked over to one of the horses and kissed it.  
  
"Oh, yeah," said Orsino. "Well, um, my name starts with an O!"  
  
"So does mine," said Olivia as she rolled her eyes. "Stupid bastard."  
  
"Fine, then. I'll just marry the man that really is a woman." Orsino looked at Sebastian and Viola. "Which one of you is female?"  
  
Both raised their hands. "Fine, I'll just pick." Orsino grabbed Sebastian and kissed him on the lips, not even noticing the taste or smell of alcohol.  
  
At this point, Feste the fool felt obligated to tell Orsino that he was kissing a man. "Orsino, that's the man man. Not the woman man."  
  
Orsino looked at Sebastian and then at Feste. "How do you know?"  
  
"Look at his pants," said Feste.  
  
Orsino noticed that there was a bulge. "Well, it was a good kiss," he muttered. He looked Sebastian in the eyes. "My darling man, you have such beautiful eyes, and you are a great kisser. Will you marry me?"  
  
"My beautiful Orsino, my heart longs to be with you and I would like nothing better than to be with you forever, or at least until after we have sex, but I am getting married to some other woman."  
  
"Sweet Sebastian, before you leave me, give me one kiss to remember you by."  
  
Sebastian and Orsino started to kiss each other passionately. Orsino was starting to take off Sebastian's clothes.  
  
"He's normally better behaved than this," Viola said to Olivia. "I think he's drunk."  
  
"Should we pry them apart?" Olivia asked.  
  
"I guess."  
  
Olivia and Viola pulled the two men apart and Orsino began crying. He put his head on Viola's shoulder and soaked her clothes with his tears. "I'll never see my husband/wife again!"  
  
"It's okay baby," Viola said softly. "You'll get over it and find someone new."  
  
Orsino stopped crying and looked at Viola. "Will you marry me?"  
  
Viola giggled. "Sure! Let's go get married right now!"  
  
"Olivia, Sebastian! Come on! We're getting married! You have to come to our wedding!"  
  
Olivia married Sebastian, and Orsino married Viola. Everyone forgot about Orsino's "love" for Sebastian. No one wanted to think about it ever again.  
  
"My work here is done," said Feste. He walked away, and began to sing:  
  
Hakuna Matata!  
  
What a wonderful phrase!  
  
Hakuna Matata!  
  
Ain't no passing craze!  
  
It means no worries,  
  
For the rest of your days  
  
It's our problem-free, philosophy  
  
Hakuna Matata! 


End file.
